i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
