The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
