The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
