woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
