I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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