My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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