peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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