Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
