I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
