my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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