smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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