you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
