I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
