I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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