Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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