I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
