she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
