I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
