chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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