Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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