and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
