Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
