I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
