It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
