It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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