Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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