I'm lost and stupid without you.
look no pants
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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