T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
