shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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