Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
