Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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