you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
