So drunk, too bad you don't want this
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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