I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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