It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
