No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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