can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
