What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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