Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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