I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
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I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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