Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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