I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
