So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
