swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
