I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
