just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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