12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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