is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
