why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10