I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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