3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
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You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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