You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
