chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
