"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
