I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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